July 24, 2008
Posted by:
Sassy
OMG. I have became my mother. I was reading over my last months entries and all I have done is bitched and complained about something. What happened to me? Where did I take that wrong turn? I generally try to be an upbeat and positive person. I think she jumped out the window somewhere, sometime after the kids got out of school for summer break. I have lost it.
I, often try to reflect on myself. And during this session, I come to realize I need therapy. However, I am too cheap to go through with that so I guess that’s why I blog. When I started this blog it was with the intention to vent. Then I started just shooting the shit like I do in life. Then I turned into my mother. Help.. save me.
Maybe one day I will regain my self dignity and return to normal. I hope so, I hate dragging myself down. I want to be the life of the party so to speak. I wanna be a popular kid. I wanna talk trashy and totally be the fun one again. I wanna live life to the fullest again. Maybe I will soon. I hope. Maybe I should take a boob shot and post it. Oh hell who am I kidding, you’d need a magnifying glass to find my tits. But for now you can enjoy my boobs smiling at ya !! Smile, my tits and I love ya!!
July 24, 2008
Posted by:
Sassy
I hate waking up in the middle of a nap and try to go back to sleep. It’s not the sleep part, it’s the part of trying to get back to my dreams. It never fails, I’m in the middle of a good dream and someone or something wakes me up. So I roll over and try to start back where I left off. Only it never happens like that.
It’s like dreaming about steamy Island sex and get woke up. So when you try it all over again, you end up on some Disney cruises with Goofy. Not my idea of fun. I wonder why our brains can’t pause and unpause on dreams. Why can you not pick up right where you left off? It’s a mystery to me. I always get disturbed during the best dreams.
July 24, 2008
Posted by:
Sassy
So I’m sitting here with many thoughts running through my head. Actually I’m not worried about anyone at the moment, but instead I’m trying to decide on whether I wanna jump on the treadmill or take a nap. I’m actually leaning more towards the siesta instead of physical work. LOL Yeah I’m lazy like that.
I am trying my best to convince Shorty to take a nap with me. I tell her we are fixin’ to go lay down. She starts to protest. Gotta love kids. She informs me she isn’t taking a stupid nap. But I can almost promise you that once she got still she would be out like a light. I know that feeling. If I come up MIA don’t fret, I’m just in la la land.
July 24, 2008
Posted by:
Sassy
Will someone please put me in one of those inflatable boats and just send me on my way. Please. I really don’t know how much more stuff that my brain can handle. Today I had to rush Jelly Bean to the Dr for some arm tingling and numbness. It’s been going on for a while, but the ER Doctor told us she was having panic attacks.
Her Doctor is very concerned about her and set her up an appointment with a Neurologist. Her Doctor seems to think that she’s having Migraines. I hope that’s all it is. She prescribed her some Pepcid because she thinks she’s having acid problem with her stomach and she also told me to pick her up some Excedrin Migraine and see if that eases it some. I just gotta come up with the money to get the Excedrin.
It’s so hard to sit back as a parent and feel helpless. I can’t do anything to fix this and it bothers me to know that I ignored the symptoms because I was following what the ER doctor said. We have to wait and see how things play out until the 6th of August. Two weeks of me being on edge.
I done the worse thing. I Googled her symptoms. Bad mistake on my part. Every known ailment is gonna haunt me until we find out for certain what is causing this. I’m gonna be crazy before this is over with.
After we got finished there, we went to the hospital to pick up a copy of hubby’s X-ray reports. Nothing was found. Great. So now we do not have any clue as to what is causing his back pain. I made him call the Dr’s office back to set up another appointment. For two reasons really. One they forgot to do the blood work the other day and two maybe we can find out what is going on with him. He has a high tolerance to pain, but this (whatever it is) has gotten him down.
So much going on in my little world. I just hope I can handle it without falling apart. The worse part will be the waiting.
July 23, 2008
Posted by:
Sassy
Admitting to family you have a problem is always a big leap. Well today I took that leap and told my sister that I have an eating disorder. Today for the first time I admitted to a member of my family that I have an eating disorder. I told her how I struggle with my weight and how I take the pounds off. I don’t have to do any type of Anoretix review for a diet pill because, I just simply don’t eat. I know it’s not healthy and I know that one day it will catch up with me. But it’s a disease and it’s a part of who I am. I know how far I can go before it gets out of hand.
I particularly don’t like starving myself. I don’t like my body. I know that no one really does. But for me, the fear of weight gain goes so deep. I have had this problem since I was about 14 years old. I’m not as bad as I once was. Due to my back issues, I can not exercise for hours on end. I do not purge as I think that is nasty. I just stop eating for a couple of days then I will eat for a couple and repeat the cycle. My hubby though hates what I do. I have tried to explain to him that it’s an illness.
Maybe one day I will overcome my fear of weight. Who knows.
July 22, 2008
Posted by:
Sassy
I think our bad luck streak may have ended. Today I missed being in a car crash by about 4 feet. The two vehicles behind me weren’t so lucky. It seems like every time we are in the vicinity of the post office and the hospital we see a wreck. I had to take hubby today for an X-ray of his back. We are beginning to think it’s not his kidney’s after all but his back itself. It took forever to have the X-rays done. I will admit I started to worry a little.
Today I feel better. It seems like when I vent I always feel so much better the next day. Just a little over two weeks until school starts and it’s that time of the year where I’m so ready. The girls are bored all the time and it always stirs up some kind of trouble around here. Mostly in the form of arguments.
Right now we are watching WipeOut. I love that show. Some of the contestants kill me. They go in there with such enthusiasm. I love the big balls of the show. People bounce off them like rubber balls. It’s hilarious. Well I need to finish supper. Oh joy.
July 21, 2008
Posted by:
Sassy
Words hurt. I don’t care who you are it hurts. The proverbial sticks and stones bit that we were forced to memorize as kids was merely a facade of lies. When you hear someone tell you that a loved one says they don’t care what you say or do anymore it hurts. Or when that same person spews from their lips that you don’t know how they feel, when you do, it hurts. But how do you approach a person who says these things. Do you confront them and tell them that they have it all wrong? Do you just let it go and try to prove to them that you are the bigger person. I’m not the bigger person anymore. I have tried to be.
When I hurt my back and needed my family, they were no where in sight. They didn’t call and check on me. They didn’t see if I needed anything. They just left me to fend for myself. I had hoped that they would all remember the sacrifices I made for them and all the times I went out of my way to help them. Did they? Absolutely not, therefore I chose to exclude them from my life. My focus was on getting well no matter what the cost. My girls were my focus and my drive to get better.
Then the backlash set in. My family started spreading vicious lies about my hubby and I wasn’t happy about it. I confronted people who spoke ill of him. I dealt with what hand I was given. Only to have it continuously recycle over and over. Kinda of the second verse same as the first routine.
I hurt on a daily basis. There’s not a part of my body that doesn’t hurt during the day. I’m appalled that someone can sit and blast me like they do. I just don’t chose to announce (well I am now) my pain to the world. I feel like I have the flu every single day of my life. Only I am not sick. My back hurts around my neck every single day. I have spots on my body where my skin hurts to touch. My fingers aren’t fully functional anymore. I am lucky if I can bend them at times without crying in pain. But I choose to deal with it. I don’t medicate. I don’t run to every doctor in town. I live with it. It’s who I am.
Do I prefer to hurt every day? Well not in particular. I prefer to have a fully functional life. I want to enjoy the things that I used to love. I want to play basketball with the girls. I want to camp without catching a cramp. I want to fish without hurting my neck. I want life. But not in the manner in which everyone else thinks I should live it. I don’t have the money to afford doctors and specialist. I also have this tendency to put everyone else’s needs in front of my own. It’s who I am.
Damn it, it’s my life and I’ll do with it as I please. Not everyone else. But regardless, the words still cut like a knife.
July 20, 2008
Posted by:
Sassy
My friend Tina sent me a message today telling me my site was screwed up. I honestly didn’t know that the comments were turned off. I still don’t know how in the world that happened. Then I am told by a few people that I’m getting this crazy error message. I freak out because I have no idea how to fix an error. Well I could figure it out if I really wanted to. But the error was only occurring in IE7 and not Firefox. I had hubby check a little while ago, it wasn’t there. Oh well.
I haven’t been online much here lately. For the last couple of days I have had this crazy thing go on with my fingers. Any time I use a knife or a pen or have to use my fingers in a certain way, they started burning in my knuckles and turn red. Today I woke up and attempted to bend my fingers and they feel a little swollen. They have been like this all day and I don’t know what’s wrong with them. I suspect some time of arthritis since it runs so deep in my family. Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to reduce the redness and swelling? I am already taking Advil.
The heat here has been crazy. Temps today reached 101 and tomorrow could be higher with a heat index of 108-110 degrees. Lovely. The funny thing is, it gets so cold in here I have to go outside and thaw out. LOL Imagine that. And the thermostat on the new A/C has been set on 72 since we got it. I tell ya, I’m tickled pink with our new A/C. It actually keeps the girls room comfy and normally it’s so stuffy back there you can’t breathe. And the bathroom. OH. MY. GAWD. You would literally have to wait until the last minute to go take a shit. It had to be peeking out because you sure as hell didn’t wanna have to endure sitting there for too long periods of time. Not anymore.
Well I think I may be done. I need to go to bed because hubby has a Dr’s appointment in the morning for his first checkup in years. He’s been having a little kidney or something problems and agreed to have it checked out. We have a lot going on tomorrow. We become a great aunt and uncle again. His uncle is having surgery to remove on of his legs. So keep the family in your good vibes please. Now you all may comment. Hopefully 
